Be OK
by alliej-1
Summary: After their loss at Sectionals, Marley is devastated. Glee Club meant everything to her, and now that it 's over and everyone hates her, Marley copes in the only way she knows how. Rated teen for eating disorder content.
1. Chapter 1

This is the first chapter of what I'm envisioning to be a 3 or 4 part story. I'm not sure exactly where it's going, but I was angry with the direction Glee took after the Sectionals episode, and wanted to try my hand at writing what I think should have happened :P

Lots of eating disorder talk- so if that sort of thing triggers you, maybe skip this story.

Title is from the song 'Be Ok' by Ingrid Michaelson.

* * *

Marley slumped her body into her chair at the kitchen table. What happened at sectionals tonight was a nightmare. She'd never felt happier or more a part of something than when she first joined glee club, but now it was all over.

The competition and the drama that unfolded after their performance was all a blur. But she did remember isolated images of her friends' faces. A reel of scared, disappointed, and angry faces played on constant repeat in her head. Even though someone force-fed her a juice box - was it Jake? Ryder? she couldn't remember - her head still spun dizzily. She wanted more than anything to eat. Not just a normal meal, she wanted to eat and eat and eat until the gaping hole in her heart felt full again. It didn't matter anymore. What was the point in sticking to her diet if there were no friends and no glee club.

She stood up shakily from the table and crept towards the refrigerator. Marley could hear her mother's voice talking on the phone in the other room. The entire ride home from the school, Marley's mother hadn't spoken a word to her. Yet apparently she had a lot of words, just none of them were for Marley. She'd been on the phone for hours now with Marley's aunt, crying and talking about doctors and how she blamed herself for Marley's 'condition.' How she always knew she would have to keep an eye on Marley's weight for her health, but she didn't even consider worrying about her being too skinny. How she encouraged the dieting and the exercise and oh-my-god-what-have-I-done.

Marley couldn't take it anymore. Not only had she hurt the glee club and the only group of friends she ever had, she had hurt her own mother. Her hands trembled as she opened the refrigerator door and started pawing through the food inside. She eyed the bread, her mind swirling simultaneously with desire and fear. With great care, she unwrapped the twist tie and slowly brought one piece of bread to her lips. The reaction was immediate; her taste buds felt like they were exploding with sweetness. It had been weeks since she'd allowed herself to eat carbs.

Suddenly her hands were no longer her own. They quickly grabbed anything and everything and shoveled it down her throat. Everything in the kitchen was fair game. At one point she thought briefly about how she would explain this to her mother - food wasn't cheap, and she had already eaten more than they usually consumed in days. But the thought passed from her quickly as she was absolved in a flurry of tastes and textures and the feeling that maybe everything would be okay.

The amount of time that had elapsed from when she had started eating wasn't clear. It could have been five minutes and it could have been fifty-five minutes, but Marley was suddenly sobered with the realization that she was full. Horrifically full. Inexcusably full. At this point, she was sitting cross-legged on the tiled floor of the kitchen, a box of wheat thins next to her, and she knew she couldn't fit a single wheat thin in her stomach if she tried. What had she done?

She thought back to what her mother had told her - about how she had always struggled with her weight, but it was when Dad left and she started to eat to feel better that she gained the bulk of her weight. How could Marley be so stupid? She was letting herself eat to feel better, and now she was going to get fat too. She loved her mother, but she couldn't let herself get like that, she just couldn't. Her stomach pushed defiantly against the waistband of her jeans. There was only one thing to do.

Marley stood up slowly, steadying herself against the pantry door. The world was still spinning around her, but she had to get to the bathroom, and fast. She could already feel her body absorbing the food - every minute she waited the more fat she would get. Not caring about the mess she left in the kitchen and what her mother might say, Marley stumbled into the bathroom.

Flipping the lock on the door, she fell clumsily to her knees and crawled towards the toilet. Marley could still hear the sounds of her mother wailing on the phone- it was unlikely she would be able to hear anything over her own sobs. Regardless, Marley turned on the shower, just to be safe. Lifting up the seat, she stared down into the toilet water and thought about what her life had become. How could everything fall apart so quickly? She couldn't think for long though, as her stomach screamed at her in pain. Fingers twitching, Marley snapped a hair elastic off of her wrist and tied back her long, brown hair.

Just like Kitty had taught her, Marley put two fingers into her mouth and tickled the back of her throat. She coughed unsuccessfully a few times, but on the fourth try the food started coming up. Each heave seemed to bring up larger and larger amounts of undigested food. Marley's face felt sticky with tears and sweat and toilet water that kept splashing into her face. But she couldn't stop, she had to get it all out.

She kept going like this until she couldn't spit up anything besides blood and stomach acid. At first, a pang of panic ran through her body. What was happening? Why wasn't it working anymore? But then she suddenly realized that her stomach no longer ached with the stretch of food. Relief flowed through her. She was done.

Marley flushed the toilet and then leaned back against the bathroom wall. Her heart was racing, her body no doubt spiked with adrenaline. But despite her pulse thumping wildly through her veins, she felt a strange sense of calm. Warmth spread over her shoulders and down her arms like a blanket. Stars dotted in and out of her vision, and she felt so light and so inexplicably okay. Everything was going to be okay. Marley Rose was going to be okay.

* * *

Eating disorders can manifest themselves in all sorts of ways. But it bothers me that the direction Glee decided to take was to have Marley be yelled at by the glee club members, realize she was naive and selfish, and then magically be cured. I hope there's more left in this story arc, but who knows.

Feedback makes me smile. I have a few ideas that involve other characters (I'm thinking Santana and Ryder), but it's still up in the air, so ideas are always welcome :)


	2. Chapter 2

This chapter is a little longer. Hopefully not too rambly. Thanks to everyone who reviewed and read :)

* * *

Chapter 2:

A knock sounded on the other side of the bathroom door.

Marley straightened her back up against the wall. How long had she been sitting there in the bathroom? Her eyelids were heavy, she must have drifted off to sleep. Bracing herself against the sink, Marley stood up slowly.

The shower was still running, but she heard the knock again, piercing above the shower noises. Marley gulped down air, heavy with water from the running shower, as she quickly thought about what to do. Best thing to do, she decided, was to quickly hop in the shower and wet her hair. Even if her mother thought she heard her making noises, at least her shower story would check.

"I'm in the shower Mom," she shouted as she tugged her hair tie out of her ponytail. "I'll be out in a few minutes."

"I know what you're doing - you have five seconds," said a voice that was definitely not her mother's, but was familiar. Marley whipped around and stared at the door, heart pounding, as she tried to place the voice. "Marley Rose, as your mentor, I will knock this door down."

She felt her stomach dropping as a pang of fear shot through her. Sure, she respected the hell out of Santana, and if circumstances were different she might even have liked her a little. But ever since her mentor had found the laxatives in her bag, Marley felt embarrassed around the older girl. And the events at Sectionals only deepened her shame. She wanted so much to be like the older Glee girls she looked up to, but it was now so obvious she could never be like them.

Another wave of dizziness passed over her body. The air was too heavy and the steam from the shower was giving her a headache. Marley reached behind the shower curtain and turned off the water. She wiped the fog off the mirror glass and looked at her face. Her cheeks puffed out like a chipmunk and her face was splotchy. Turning on the sink, she soaked her hands under the cold stream and tried to rinse the taste of vomit off of her breath. It was no use, she was a wreck.

Santana rapped on the door for a third time. The knock was harsh, but her voice came softer. "Marls, let me in." She paused as Marley choked back a sob. "Please, just open the door."

Marley unlocked the door and cautiously pulled it towards her. She stared at her feet in shame. When did this become her life? When did she become that girl?

"God you're pale," muttered the older girl as she took Marley's hands in her own. "And your hands are shaking. Come on, we can't have you blacking out again." Santana tugged on her hands and Marley followed her wordlessly as she was led into her bedroom and pushed to sit down. "You doing okay?"

"Um, yeah," Marley pushed out, trying her best not to cry. How was she doing? She had just ruined glee for the entire year, everyone hated her, and her mentor just caught her purging. "I'm fine." Finally, she looked up into Santana's eyes. "Why are you... I mean, how did you get, I mean... how did you know what I was doing?"

Santana rolled her eyes. "I'm a cheerleader, you think I can't spot an eating disorder?" She sighed. "Your mom let me in. She was on the phone crying to someone, I guess she's taking this hard. But she let me in, said you were up in your room. You weren't there, and then we saw the mess in the kitchen and heard the shower. It doesn't take a brain surgeon to figure out -"

"Wait," Marley interrupted. "We? Who else is here." Her eyes darted around the room wildly. When she didn't see anyone, she tried to leap up, but Santana pulled her back down onto the bed.

"Sit," she commanded. "You're not passing out on my watch again."

Marley struggled against Santana's grip, but it was useless. She was so weak and so tired, and no match for the stronger girl.

"Stop it," Santana snapped. "I like that you're feisty, but cool it." Marley stopped squirming and she felt Santana's grip on her lighten. "It's just Finn," Santana continued. "He was worried and wanted to talk to you. But he's a boy, and a stupid one at that, so he's waiting in the kitchen while I talk to you first."

The idea of Finn sitting in the tiny Rose kitchen, with old peeling wallpaper and food wrappers everywhere horrified Marley. It was just all too much. She closed her eyes and pulled her knees up to her chest, hugging them tightly. Before joining glee club at McKinley, she never had friends and travelled through schools basically unnoticed. She wanted so desperately to feel small and invisible again.

Marley felt a tentative hand rest on her shoulder. "I bitched out Kitty until she cried - she won't mess with you again. Tina and Artie were even easier. Trust me, they may bark hard but they don't bite. And I screamed at Finn to keep a closer eye on you guys, but honestly he's a moron and can't help it. It's like disciplining a puppy with that one."

A giggle escaped unexpectedly from Marley's lips. She opened her eyes and looked up at her mentor. "You're wrong, Finn's really good at running glee." It was mostly scary imagining Santana yelling at everyone about her secret. But a small part of her felt validation. Santana screamed all the things that a girl like Marley would never be able to say.

Santana rolled her eyes. "He's got a singer as good as you, and he has you guys doing Gagnam Style for Sectionals?" She scoffed. "Please. A hamster could coach glee better than Finn. If you hadn't passed out, the Warblers still would have creamed you."

Marley sat up straighter, face brightening. "You mean you don't think it was my fault?" The question spilled out before she could stop it.

"Are you for real?" Marley blushed as Santana's eyes narrowed in on her, hard. "Of course not. It was obvious to everyone, even Finn." Santana folded her legs under her and sat up on her heels. "Besides Brittany, you're my favorite, and I'm not just saying that because Finn paired us together. You're clearly a better singer than the rest of those dorks." Marley blushed uncomfortably. "But girl, we have got to grow you a spine. They're all fighting over who is the new Rachel. But you - you could be the new Santana." Santana leaned back against her heels and shook her head so her brown locks bounced on her shoulders. She looked at Marley expectedly. Marley straightened her back and flipped her hair with her hands and tried to pull her face muscles into something resembling ferocity. "Yes," Santana exclaimed, nudging Marley with her shoulder. "I knew that girl was in there. But listen, if you're going to be like me, you can't let prissy bitches or mega dorks mess with you like that. Understand?"

"Yeah," Marley lied, "I understand." Truthfully, she didn't understand at all how anyone could have that kind of confidence.

Santana seemed to accept her answer. "Good." She nodded absentmindedly as her eyes scanned Marley's room. "Look, you're going to hate this, but I need to know where you keep your stash."

Marley scrunched her eyes in confusion. Her stash? Did Santana think she did drugs? "What?" Marley asked.

"Don't play with me," Santana huffed, annoyance clear in her voice. "You know I know Kitty's giving you laxatives. What else has she given you, and where is it? I'm throwing it all out. It's not up for discussion."

Marley shivered. She didn't like where this was going. Having Santana discover the laxatives was bad, and catching Marley throwing up was even worse. Another invasion of privacy would be too much. "You already took away the laxatives," Marley protested. "There's nothing else."

Santana looked at her hard. "So that's the way this is going to be between us? Fine. You want to play games, I will beat your skinny white ass."

Before Marley could say anything, Santana walked over to her bureau and started digging through her sock drawer. "Wait... stop!" Marley tried to pull the older girl away, but she was so dizzy she sat almost immediately back down on the bed.

"Found it!" Santana declared triumphantly. "Girl, your secret hiding place is almost as cliche as Finn's new sweater vests." Marley felt her face reddening as Santana pawed through the cosmetic bag full of pills that Kitty had given to her. "Laxatives, more laxatives, diuretics," Santana rattled off as she tossed the bottles into her own purse. "Diet pills, caffeine pills, more diet pills." She paused, rolling a transparent orange bottle through her fingers while carefully reading the white label. "Seriously Marley? Adderall? You want to turn into a prescription drug addict while you're at it? Who is - " she paused again, scanning the label, "Hannah Peabody? Unless you have an alias, these pills do not belong to you."

Marley laid back in her bed in embarrassment. There was no use trying to hide anything. "Hannah's in Cheerios with Kitty," she said softly. "Kitty bought them off of her, she said they help her lose weight." She heard the rattle of the bottle as Santana tossed it into her purse with the rest of the pills. Marley breathed in long breaths through her stomach the way her first choir teacher taught her back when she was only eight years old. She thought back to that eight-year-old, the bright eyed girl who loved singing and never thought to be ashamed of her family. The girl who ate when she was hungry and wasn't afraid of the mean kids. That girl seemed lifetimes away. Marley propped herself up on her elbows and her eyes caught Santana's. The dizziness was finally starting to pass. "You know, I never meant to become this girl. I wanted to be different."

The older girl nodded. "I know, but -"

"No, you don't know," Marley interrupted. "I'm sorry," she blurted impulsively, crossing her arms across her chest. She hadn't meant to interrupt her mentor. She stared at her hands waiting for Santana to say something, but after a few moments the silence was driving her insane. Her secrets bubbled in her chest, and for the first time in her life, Marley wanted to let them out. "You don't know," Marley repeated slowly. "I've been dieting for years. Kitty didn't teach me to throw up - she thinks she did, but I figured out how to do that years ago." The bed sank as Santana sat down next to her, but Marley couldn't bring herself to look up from her hands. "The pills are new, and yea, I've been dieting harder since Kitty and I became friends. Obviously I pushed too hard." Marley swallowed, trying to push a threatening sob back down her throat. "But it's been nice. Having someone who knows what I do, and is okay with it. Someone who understands why I have to do all this." Marley shrugged. "You don't know. But Kitty does."

Santana touched Marley's chin lightly. "Look at me. Kitty is not your friend. She found your weakness and she's messing with you." She sighed. "I used to be like her, back when I was younger and angrier. She's trying to destroy you because you are competition. Marley, look at me." Santana pulled Marley's chin harder so their faces were close. "What you're doing to your body, it's not okay. You have a problem."

"You think I don't know that?" Marley's throat throbbed and her eyes felt heavy with tears. "You think years of shoving my fingers down my throat, it never occurred to me to try and stop? It's gross and it's disgusting, but with Kitty... it's sick, but at least I wasn't alone."

A soft rap sounded as Finn knocked on the bedroom door. Both girls' eyes snapped up. "Are you feeling any better?" Finn asked tentatively. "Here," Finn stepped towards Marley and handed her a gatorade. "Drink this. I think... I mean... I googled and it said maybe you were dehydrated and gatorade is good for electrons."

Santana rolled her eyes. "Electrolytes, moron, gatorade is good for electrolytes," Santana snapped as Finn blushed in discomfort. "But he's right, drink it Marls."

Marley unscrewed the cap and slowly slipped the drink. She wanted to fight it, but the cool liquid trickling down her raw throat soothed the burning.

"I talked to Ms. Pillsbury." Finn breathed deeply while shoving his hands into his pockets. "She's really nice and an expert in these kinds of things, I think. She wants to talk to you in school tomorrow, and talk to your mom too. She says she'll help you both figure out a plan to get you better."

Marley's pulse raced. It was one thing to talk about this with Kitty or Santana. They were cheerleaders, and they were teenagers. They couldn't make her do anything. But Ms. Pillsbury? She couldn't talk about this to an adult. And in front of her mom? She couldn't hurt her own mother like that.

"What? I don't need to talk to her." She tried to giggle lightly, but it came out as a cross between a whimper and a cackle. "A few of the girls in glee, we just all were dieting together. I just wanted to lose a little weight, but I'll stop."

"Liar." She felt Santana's eyes on her, hard. "I don't care if you hate me for it, but I'm telling." Santana pulled out her phone with purpose. "I'm postponing my flight a day or two so I can go to the meeting with Ms. Pillsbury and your mom. I hope you tell them the what's going on. But if you don't, I will."

* * *

Review and let me know what you think :) It's been busy with the holidays, but I'll try to update quicker!


	3. Chapter 3

Thanks for reading everybody! To those who reviewed, thanks for the kind words :)

* * *

Chapter 3:

Marley sat in the passenger seat of her mother's car as they drove to school in silence. Her forehead pressed against the cool glass of the window and she relaxed her eyes so that the trees blurred together. Between the disappointment from the glee club and the meeting with Ms. Pillsbury and everyone watching her eating, Marley didn't know how she was going to get through the day. The toast her mother had basically force-fed her this morning was sitting like a rock in her stomach. Marley distracted herself from thinking about glee club and Ms. Pillsbury by planning how she was going to stealth-purge breakfast without anyone noticing. Maybe before homeroom she could pretend to need to get something from her gym locker. The bathrooms in the locker room were usually empty before school. Yes, that would have to do. She bounced her hands nervously in her lap.

Marley's mom reached her right hand into Marley's lap on top of her jittery hands. "Oh baby," she said softly. "You're going to be okay." The younger girl turned to look at her mother's face and saw tears falling silently out of her eyes. Marley opened her mouth to speak, but she couldn't find the words.

She wanted to ask her mother to explain exactly what she meant by 'okay'. Until Marley lost the excess weight, she knew she would never feel okay. She hated herself for thinking it, but if she started to eat meals and look like her mother, she absolutely would not be okay. Of course that wasn't something she could ever say out loud. Sure, she knew now that Kitty had been messing with her. But it was nice to have someone who shared that unspoken understanding.

Her phone buzzed in her pocket. Marley pulled her hands out of her mother's grasp and swiped the lock screen on her phone. Since she had left school last night, she had received a slew of text messages and had been too nervous to read them. She knew she had to read the messages before she reached school, but the combination of all the notifications and the toast in her stomach made her feel like she was going to hurl. Her throat throbbed as a wave of panicky nausea passed over her.

"Mom, I don't feel well," she whispered. Marley clamped her hand over her mouth as she felt her throat start spasming. "Mom, pull over," she yelped.

Mrs. Rose swerved the car over to the side of the road. She put her hand on her daughter's shoulder and looked at her with worried eyes. "What's wrong?"

As soon as the car was stopped, Marley pushed the door open and threw herself out of the car. The dizziness pulled her to her hands and knees, and she vomited on the side of the road.

"Marley Rose, stop that," her mother cried, voice cracking. Marley hated hearing her mother so upset like that. It killed her. She let her head drop to her knees as her body convulsed with sobs. Marley planned on purging the toast, that much was true. But not like this, in front of her poor mother. This was all nerves.

"I didn't mean to, Mom," she said between sobs. "I was so nervous, it came up all on its own." Marley wiped her mouth on her hand and spit into the grass, trying to get the taste of bile off her mouth. "I'm sorry Mom, don't be mad. I swear it wasn't on purpose."

"Oh, my beautiful baby." Mrs. Rose pulled Marley off of the ground and into a hug. "I'm not mad. We're going to get you well. You're going to be okay."

Marley let herself be pulled into a hug. The warmth felt nice and she did love her mother with every bone in her body. But she wasn't ready to get well.

Maybe after she lost another ten pounds. But not yet.

* * *

"Marley! Marley!"

Marley pretended not to hear Jake's voice from the other end of the hall. She shoved her books into her locker as quickly as she could. Slamming her locker door shut, she spun on her heels and tried to walk quickly down the hall.

"Marley!" She felt Jake tug on her backpack and spin her to face him. "Why are you running away from me?"

"I'm not running, I just..." Marley bit her lip. She knew Jake had sent her a bunch of texts all last night and this morning, but she was too nervous to read them. Jake squeezed her arm gently, and a whimper unintentionally escaped her lips.

Concern spilled across Jake's face. "Hey, what's wrong?" He brushed a lock of hair behind Marley's ear and looked into her eyes. " Talk to me. Are you okay?"

Marley shrugged her shoulders as she shook her head. "Everyone keeps asking me that. I don't know what I'm supposed to say." Her eyes fluttered shut in embarrassment. "Everyone from glee club hates me. I have a meeting with Ms. Pillsbury and my mom this morning. And I'm so dizzy." She rested her head against the row of lockers. "Everything keeps spinning."

"Hey," Jake put his hands on Marley's shoulders to steady her. "No one hates you." He scrunched his eyes in confusion. "Ms. Pillsbury, the guidance counselor? Why does she want to meet with you?"

"Finn's making me talk to her about food stuff, I don't really know." She tried to giggle nonchalantly. "Everyone's overreacting, it's ridiculous."

"No, it's not." Marley jumped at the sound of Ryder's voice behind her. Ryder's eyes scanned her own. "This is serious Marley. What you're doing is so dangerous."

Jake looked back and forth between Marley and Ryder. "What's going on? You told me you skipped a few meals because you were nervous about glee. But you're eating again, right Marley?"

Marley's face flushed. "Of course!" she chirped. "I ate tons last night and this morning. I'm fine!" She glared at Ryder, willing him not to say anything in front of Jake.

"Are you keeping it all down?" Ryder pressed, completely ignoring her glare. "You look even paler than you looked last night."

"Marley, what is he talking about?" Jake pulled at her elbow and stared at her, hard. "You're not... are you?"

Marley nervously ran her fingers through her hair. "Of course not!" Her heart pounded in her chest and her face turned an even darker shade of red. She couldn't keep track of who knew what, and she wished everyone would just keep out of her life. Marley was trying to think of a way to change the subject when Santana walked up to her and slung her arm over Marley's shoulder.

"I hate to break up this testosterone party," Santana snapped, "but I have an appointment with Marley." She cocked her eyebrows expectantly at the two boys. "Do I need to be more clear?" she barked when neither of the boys moved. "Scurry along."

Both Ryder and Jake glanced at Marley in confusion. "It's okay, I'm okay," Marley explained. "It's just... ya know, mentor stuff." Now that glee was over for the year, the mentoring was probably over for everyone else, so her reasoning didn't make much sense. Marley was grateful they didn't ask questions.

After the two boys walked off to class, Santana led Marley to Ms. Pillsbury's door at the end of the hall. "You ready for this?"

Marley shrugged. "I guess."

* * *

"Marley, it's important for you to know that you aren't in trouble. No one here is angry with you. We're all just a little concerned." Ms. Pillsbury folded her hands and flashed her signature tight grin at Marley. "After what happened at Sectionals, Finn was concerned with some things he had heard from the other students, so we decided to call this meeting with your mom." She paused for a second, eyeing Santana nervously. "Although I'm not sure why Santana's here. I'm not sure it's appropriate -"

"I'm not comfortable with her here," Marley piped up, impulsively. Going against her mentor was a more ballsy move than Marley was used to, but eliminating Santana would make the meeting so much more bearable. Without Santana, she could lie her way out of this meeting in less than ten minutes. "I was nervous to say anything before," she continued, "but like, isn't this against confidentiality? She doesn't even go here."

Santana chuckled darkly. "You're feisty, I'll give you that." Marley's mother was sitting on the other side of Marley, so Santana leaned forward to look Ms. Rose in the eye. "I'm a McKinley High alum, I was your daughter's mentor for Glee Club. She's planning on lying her way out of this meeting, so I'm here to prevent that from happening." She sank back in her chair and addressed Ms. Pillsbury. "She has a problem. If she's open with you, you won't even know I'm here." Her eyes caught Marley's. "But if you lie, I'm telling them everything."

Marley felt her face reddening in anger. "I don't have a problem," she snapped. "You don't know me." She turned to her right to face her mother. "Mom, this girl doesn't even know me. Kitty said Quinn told her Santana's a bitch, and that she'll do anything to cause drama. She's obviously just -"

"Right, so we're trusting Kitty and Quinn now?" Santana snapped.

Marley's mom interjected, "Wait, who is Quinn? What does this have to do with Marley?"

"Okay, let's all slow down for a moment." Ms. Pillsbury's fingers rapped against her desk, centering everyone's attention back at her. "Finn, maybe you could tell Marley and her mother why you wanted to schedule this meeting?"

Finn was seated on the far side of the room, to the left of Santana. "Yea sure, umm..." Finn mumbled over his words for a few seconds. He was clearly nervous, Marley almost felt sorry for him. "Marley, you're a great kid. You're super nice and super good at singing. But you passed out at Sectionals, and some of the other kids have been telling me that you -"

"I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry." Marley cut Finn off before he said anything in front of her mother. "You don't have to kick me out of glee club, I'll leave on my own. You don't have to -"

"No," Finn interrupted back. "No one wants you to leave. Part of glee is helping everybody through their rough patches."

Marley threw her head back in annoyance. "I'm not going through a rough patch. I'm fine, everyone is overreacting."

"Stop lying!" Santana spoke sharply. "I know you're scared, but you're not doing yourself any favors right now. Grow a pair and stop being such a little puss-"

"Santana, language!" Ms. Pillsbury interjected. She paused for a moment to take a deep breath, and then continued. "There's a lot of emotions in here, which is good. But we need to let everyone have a turn to speak. Please, let's all try to stop interrupting each other."

Marley sunk back in her seat. The room felt suffocating, she just wanted to escape. How long had this meeting been going on? It had to end soon, right? Ms. Pillsbury had to have appointments scheduled with other crazies.

It was her mother who spoke next. It was such a tentative, quiet voice, Marley almost didn't hear it. "Can someone please just tell me what is going on with my daughter?"

"Marls, just tell her," Santana said softly. Santana reached under the desk and squeezed Marley's hand. "You'll be okay."

There it was again - someone promising her that she would be okay, without any explanation of what being okay meant. Marley preferred when Santana was yelling at her. At least when she was yelling, Marley could fight back. But now? Now she was stuck. She hated the idea of her mother knowing all of the awful things she did to herself. But what choice did she have?

It wasn't until Ms. Pillsbury pushed a box of tissues towards her that Marley realized her face was hot with tears.

"I've... I've been dieting, Mom," Marley started. "For kind of awhile. I thought I was being good, watching my weight." That much was the truth. Marley hated dieting, but ever since she was a little girl she knew she had to watch her weight. With her genetics, that was just reality.

"I skipped meals when I could. And," Marley put her face in her free hand, "when I couldn't skip meals, I threw up after." Santana squeezed her hand again under the table. Marley squeezed back as tightly as she could, the feel of Santana's steady pulse against her palm soothed her. "I did that for years, but these past few weeks with Grease and Sectionals... I just... I just really needed to lose the weight. It wasn't crazy, everyone said I needed to diet. Kitty, you.. everybody. So I started eating less and throwing up more and taking these pills..."

"What kinds of pills?" Ms. Pillsbury asked gently, but her eyes were full of alarm.

Marley shrugged. "I don't know, diet pills? Laxatives, diuretics... adderall." The second the words came out of her mouth, Marley wished she could retract them. "I don't even have them anymore, though. It's not that big a deal."

They sat in silence for a moment. Marley was avoiding looking at her mom's face as she spoke, but she couldn't look away any longer. When she finally did shift her eyes to meet her mother's, it broke her heart.

"I can't do this, I'm sorry." Before the others had time to react, Marley tugged her hand out of Santana's grasp. She pushed her chair back, the scraping sound making her mother jump. Marley took one last look at her teary mother's face, mouthed a quick "sorry", and then bolted out of the room.

* * *

Let me know what you think! When I started this, I planned for it to be 3 or 4 chapters. But I'm awful at pacing, and have so much more I want to make happen before the story ends. If I bumped it up to a 5 or 6 chapter story, would you guys still read? I really need to make outlines and stick to them :P


	4. Chapter 4

Thanks for the reads and reviews :) I hope you like this next chapter!

* * *

Chapter 4:

Marley raced down the hall, tears flying down her cheeks. She didn't know where she was going, but she knew she had to run. She couldn't deal with Ms. Pillsbury, Finn, or Santana.

Or her mother.

Thoughts of her mother made her stop in her tracks. Marley would never forget the look on her mother's face right before she fled Ms. Pillsbury's office. It was an awful look. It was a mixture of sadness and fear, and the slightest hint of disappointment. She knew her mother would never admit it, but Marley had disappointed her. As the only child of a single mother, Marley could never forgive herself.

Marley shook the thoughts of her mother as far out of her mind as she could. At any moment Santana would be on her tail dragging her back into Ms. Pillsbury's office. She didn't know where to go, but she had to get out.

"Hey honey boo boo, are you cutting class?" Kitty's voice taunted from behind her. Marley quickly tried to wipe the tears off of her face, but it was no use. Her eyes were no doubt red and puffy. "Are you crying?" Marley spun around to face Kitty to find a smirk plastered across her face. "Oh my god, you are crying." The smirk quickly disappeared, and was replaced by a look of concern.

Probably feigned concern. Marley could never tell with this girl.

"I don't have time for you Kitty. I have to ..." Marley stumbled over her words, not knowing what to say to get rid of the girl. Kitty's eyes were on her, following her words carefully. Marley shrugged her shoulders in defeat. "I have to hide."

As she spoke, an announcement came over the loud speaker. "Marley Rose, please report to the front office," sounded Principal Figgin's staticky voice over the intercom. "Marley Rose, to the front office."

"My little wallflower is cutting class and in trouble with the principal?" The corners of Kitty's mouth tugged upwards. "I'm sorry for smiling when you're in such obvious distress, but honestly I'm proud of you. Goody-two-shoes no more, it all gets better from here." Her eyes widened in curiosity. "What did you do? Did you cheat on your Spanish exam? Get caught smoking pot in the bathroom?" Kitty gasped. "You tried to bone your geometry teacher to get that A, didn't you?" She grabbed Marley's shoulders and squeaked with joy. "I love this new slutty Marley. We are going to have so much fun."

"What? No." Marley rolled her eyes. "I'm not in that kind of trouble, Kitty. And I really do have to go."

"Alright, well color me intrigued, honey boo boo." Kitty looped her arm through Marley's elbow and yanked her down the hall. "Come with me. We'll skip together, they won't find us." After everything that had happened, Marley knew better than to trust Kitty. But at the same time, at least Kitty wasn't trying to force her to get better. Right now, that was worth something.

* * *

"Where are you taking me?"

"Shh." Kitty hushed her as she dragged her through the door of the boiler room.

Marley froze. "Students aren't allowed back here, Kitty."

"I'm serious, hush! How do you expect to be McKinley High's new hottest bad girl if you reveal our hideout room." She pulled Marley close to her and stood on her toes so their noses almost touched. "I'm trusting you, Marley. I'm trusting you, because we're friends, do you understand? We don't let just anybody back here."

Kitty didn't wait for Marley to respond, and started pulling her along the back wall to a door in the corner. She pushed the door open to reveal a small room with couches, empty beer bottles, and an old television set. "Out," Kitty snarled, at a boy and a girl making out on the couch in the back corner. Marley didn't know their names, but she recognized them as juniors. She never understood how Kitty was able to command such control over upperclassmen, but sure enough, the juniors left without a word.

Kitty pulled Marley onto the couch and closed the door behind them. "Alright boo boo, they won't come looking for you here." She crossed her legs and sat facing Marley. "Ok, time for girl talk. I'm dying to know, why's the principal looking for you?"

"Kitty, we're not friends." Marley shook her head incredulously. "And stop calling me that, that's really mean."

Kitty's eyes widened in surprise, but a smile spread across her face. "Wow, someone's sassy. You have more potential than I realized."

Marley groaned in frustration. "I'm being serious, Kitty. They're looking for me because I ran out on a meeting with Ms. Pillsbury and my mom discussing my eating disorder. I'm not a bad girl, I'm a fucked up girl." Marley sank down into the couch and curled herself against the arm rest.

"Shit Marley, that blows." Kitty stared into her hands and was quiet for awhile. "You know, after Sectionals, Santana really ripped me a new one."

"I heard a rumor she made you cry." Marley crossed her arms across her chest, and glared at the blonde.

Kitty blushed. It was the first time Marley had ever seen the blonde's face turn that shade of red. "You caught me." She giggled self-consciously. "But I mean, come on. That chick is scary, even to badasses like me."

Marley couldn't help but laugh with Kitty at her confession. "She made me cry too, I bawled like a baby in Ms. Pillsbury's office," she admitted sheepishly. "I like her," she clarified. "But she's intense."

Kitty picked at the fuzz on the couch. Marley had never seen her this uncomfortable. Usually, the blonde stared her down, but suddenly it was as if she couldn't even make eye contact. Marley wanted to hate her. She felt like she should hate her. But she felt this bizarre closeness with the cheerleader, and she couldn't shake it.

The brunette chewed on her lip anxiously. She was afraid of the answer, but she couldn't not ask. "Can I ask you something, and promise me you won't lie?"

The blonde pursed her lips together tightly, seemingly lost in thought. "Ask me anything," she replied finally, cocking her head with a false confidence that even Marley could see through.

She took in a ragged breath, nerves bouncing through her body. She had to ask, she had to know. "The restricting, the purging, the pills... all of that." Marley studied the blonde's eyes, looking for some sort of tell. "You do it too, don't you?"

Kitty shrugged. "So what if I do?" Marley could tell how hard she was trying to act cool, but her watering eyes gave it away. "I'm not a wreck like you, I stay in control. I don't ... I'd never pass out on stage in front of several hundred people." She chuckled coldly.

Marley nodded. Deep down she knew it all along, but on some level, Kitty's response was still a shock. "You should know something." She swallowed hard, gathering her courage. "I started purging in eighth grade. You encouraged me, for sure, but you didn't teach me."

The blonde's eyes snapped up. "Seriously?" She eyed the Marley suspiciously. "Why are you telling me this?"

"Because you get it." Marley picked at her fingers. "I don't trust you, I'm not sure I even like you. But you're the only person who won't freak if I talk about puking or laxatives or any of that."

"I'm not sure that's a compliment, boo boo." Kitty crossed her arms across her chest.

Marley knew she was close to getting a reaction from the blonde, but she didn't care. She was the only person she discuss this with. "Everyone just expects me to be better, but I can't. If I could stop shoving my fingers down my throat, I would have years ago." Judging from the quick rise and fall of Kitty's chest, she had hit a nerve. "I'm guessing you would too."

"No." Kitty spoke sharply, her eyes narrowed on the brunette. "If that's what it's like for you, I'm sorry, but stop making assumptions about me." Her eyes shone fiercely, "I am in control, and I can stop whenever I want. Hence the lack of theatrical fainting episodes and melodramatic meetings with my guidance counselor."

Marley had to laugh, and she was glad when the blonde joined her. The tension she had built up disappeared almost immediately "Fair enough," Marley nodded. "Then I need to ask you a favor."

"Okay, ask away." Kitty pinched her eyebrows in curiosity. "Although if you're asking again about sitting at the popular kids table, you're little fainting performance set you back at least another three months."

"Ha ha, very funny." Marley rolled her eyes good-naturedly. She paused for a second, trying to figure out the best way to ask Kitty for what she wanted. "Look, Santana dug through my stuff and took all the pills you gave me. Everyone's going to be watching me eat these next few days, I don't know what I'm going to do." Kitty shifted uncomfortably on the couch as Marley spoke. "Do you think you can get me more pills? I'll hide them better this time, I swear."

Kitty just stared at her. "Are you serious? Don't you think you should take a break?" She pursed her lips together tightly. "Look, about what I said before. You're totally thin. You don't need to do this."

"I know I'm thin. But you said it yourself. My genetics are awful - any day now, I'm going to," Marley paused, adding air quotes with her fingers, "balloon up to my natural weight of five thousand pounds." She sighed. "Look, I'll be more careful, and I won't tell anyone you gave them to me."

"I'm just not sure I'm comfortable -"

"I don't care if you're comfortable," Marley huffed. "That's not the kind of friends we are. Everyone else is following me around making sure I eat and asking me about my feelings. But us," Marley gestured frantically with her hands. "We're not like that. We never have been."

Kitty sighed. "Can't you just let them feed you for a few weeks, and then get back to dieting."

"No, I can't." Marley stood up so she was looking down at Kitty. "If they're going to make me gain weight, I'm not doing it alone. Ms. Pillsbury and I are going to be chatting a lot soon. I might let something slip about you, and then you can have your very own guidance counselor meetings and get babysat at lunch right alongside me."

"Marley Rose, are you threatening me?" Kitty laughed incredulously. She cocked her eyebrows as she stood up. "I underestimated you. Alright honey boo boo, I'll get you your pills." Her face softened. "I just... you just be careful, okay?"

"I will." Marley nodded eagerly. She was relieved for sure, but she also felt a twitch of fear in the pit of her stomach.

It was almost too easy.

* * *

Marley checked her watch. It was 12:25. Geometry class was just starting. If she hurried, she might be able to slip into class unnoticed. She rounded the hall corner and had almost reached her class when she saw Finn at the other end of the hall talking to Jake. Marley tried to move quickly and quietly towards her destination, but Jake spotted her.

"There she is! Marley!" All of a sudden both guys rushed to her sides.

"Marley where have you been?" Finn pressed. "They called your name over the speaker a million times. Your mother is worried sick." Finn's face was turning a bright shade of red. Marley had never seen him so angry.

Marley knew the anger was justified, but it still overwhelmed her. She hated when people were angry with her. She froze her eyes on a speck on the floor and bit the inside of her cheeks. "Can I please just go to class?," she asked quietly.

Finn shook his head. "No, you can't. Everyone's looking for you. Jake, stay here with Marley, I'm going to look for her mother." Finn hurried off down the hall, leaving Marley and Jake alone.

Leaning against the lockers, Marley slid down to the floor and pulled her knees to her chest. She wished she could have hid out with Kitty all day, but she knew she'd have to face the world sooner or later.

Jake slid down next to her. "Marley, talk to me. You know I'd never judge you, right? Ryder says you've been throwing up meals. Why would you do that?"

Marley leaned her head back against Jake's chest and allowed him to wrap his arms across her shoulders. "I wish you didn't find out about that. I'm disgusting."

"You're not disgusting," Jake sighed. "Don't say that. You're perfect."

Marley rolled her eyes. "Unless you have some sort of vomit fetish, which is creepy and weird..."

"Marley, stop." Jake pulled her closer so that her head tucked neatly under his chin. Marley traced her fingers up and down his arms. "So you throw up sometimes. You don't need to keep secrets from me. We all have our things, it's going to be okay."

She jerked up in surprise, and twisted her head to look up at him. "So you're fine with it? If I keep doing it?"

Jake's hands around her loosened immediately. "God, of course not. Are you serious? Marley!" It was only for a second, but Marley swore she saw on his face a flash of disappointment, exactly matching the one her mother wore earlier. "Why would you say that?"

She slid her body back into Jake's. She couldn't look him in the eye, but she still found comfort lying in his arms. "Nevermind, I was kidding," she murmured.

Marley thought for one moment, one glorious moment that she could be honest with Jake. But of course she couldn't. Kitty was the only person who truly accepted her. "Of course I'll stop."

* * *

Finn reappeared with Ms. Pillsbury at his side. Marley reluctantly broke out of Jake's arms. "Your mom's busy, but Ms. Pillsbury wanted to talk to you," he stammered.

"Thanks Finn." Ms. Pillsbury smiled sweetly, and offered Marley a hand and pulled her up off the floor. "Marley, can you come with me to my office? Jake, thanks for your help, you can go back to class now."

Jake touched Marley on the shoulder and nodded encouragingly. "Text me after, okay?"

"Yea," Marley agreed. She followed Ms. Pillsbury back in her office. Marley jittered nervously in her chair. She wasn't used to breaking rules, and the tension in the room felt thick. "Look, I'm sorry for running out earlier. I shouldn't have done that."

"You should join the track team. Use your talents for good." Ms. Pillsbury spoke with a straight face, but after a few moments of awkward silence she broke out into a laugh. "I'm kidding, I'm kidding." She clasped her hands together and smiled at Marley. "You don't need to apologize to me. You're here now." Ms. Pillsbury shuffled through her desk. "I have some pamphlets for you."

"Right, thanks," Marley murmured as she received a stack. One pamphlet had a cartoon of a girl hunched over a toilet, another had a girl looking at herself in the mirror. She was mortified at the idea of someone discovering them on her, she'd have to throw them out right away.

After shoving the pamphlets into the bottom of her backpack, Ms. Pillsbury started to speak again. "I talked to your mother after you left. She's scared, but she loves you a lot." Marley bit the insides of her cheeks to prevent any sounds from escaping her lips. She didn't like where this conversation was headed. "What is upsetting you about what I just said?" Marley just shrugged. She didn't want to talk about her mother.

Ms. Pillsbury sighed. "Marley, I want you to know that you can tell me anything. I'm on your side."

Marley liked Ms. Pillsbury. She was so sweet and so kind. But she didn't know what to say, so she just nodded. "Ok."

"Alright, so I talked to your mom," Ms. Pillsbury continued. "We both think a good course of action is to get you to a therapist who specializes in eating disorders." Marley sucked in a sharp breath. She didn't know what she would even say to a therapist, and she knew they cost a lot of money. More money than her mother had. "You look concerned," Ms. Pillsbury said, a sympathetic smile painted across her face. "Your mother said you would be concerned about the money. I'm helping her to work with her insurance to see what our options are. You don't have to worry about this, your mom and I will figure it out."

Marley nodded glumly. If she hadn't felt guilty before, she was feeling it now. She had to figure out ways to better hide her dieting. Like Kitty did. She thought back to Kitty and her hangout spot behind the boiler room. She wondered if Kitty knew of secluded bathrooms she could purge in without getting caught.

"Hey," Ms. Pillsbury spoke softly, interrupting Marley's thoughts. "You've been carrying this around for a long time. I believe things will get better for you. We're working on getting you a therapist, but until then, I think it's best that you spend your lunch periods with me. We'll eat together. And I rearranged your schedule so your free period is right after lunch. You'll spend that period in here with me too."

Marley's pulse quickened as she thought about what that meant. She would have to eat lunch. Every day. And she wouldn't be able to purge. The thought of sitting in Ms. Pillsbury's office as her stomach slowly digested and absorbed her lunch was overwhelming.

Her stress must have been written all over face. "I know this is scary," Ms. Pillsbury said kindly. "But you're going to have to trust me. It's going to be okay."

Marley wanted to trust her. She wanted to be the kind of girl who ate right and didn't disappoint her mother or ruin glee club. But she couldn't let herself get fat, it just wasn't an option. She forced herself to smile and nod at Ms. Pillsbury, and resolved to find Kitty after school.

* * *

I keep changing my outline, trying to figure out where to go with this. So if there's something you want to see.. let me know!

Reviews make me smile :)


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5:

"Who are you texting that's so important?"

Marley glared across the dinner table at her mother. "I'm fifteen, Mom," she whined. "Ever heard of privacy?"

"During dinner? Can't you put your phone away." Ms. Rose smoothed her napkin into her lap. Marley couldn't help but snicker. It was as if they were pretending they were in a 60's family sitcom. "How about you tell me about your day?"

Marley rolled her eyes back and sighed. "Why are we even doing this? We don't do sit-down dinners. And even I know we can't afford to eat like this." She gestured at the roast chicken, mashed potatoes, salad filled with fresh vegetables. "We could feed an army with all this food."

"Young lady, it's up to me to decide what we can and cannot afford." Ms. Rose stared down into her lap. Marley knew she had embarrassed her, and she hated herself for it. "Things around here are going to change," her mother continued, the hurt still evident in her voice. "No more just grabbing food when we're hungry. We are going to have family dinners from now on."

Marley finished typing her text to Kitty and then slid her phone into her back pocket. She picked up a fork and stabbed a piece of chicken. "Happy?" she mumbled. Putting it in her mouth, she chewed angrily, and then dropped her fork back onto her plate.

The clatter of the fork onto the ceramic plate made both women jump. "Mom, I'm so sorry." Marley apologized immediately. She felt her eyes welling up with tears for the millionth time that day. "I don't know why I'm acting like this. I just... I just..." Marley's voice trailed off. She had no idea how to end the sentence.

Ms. Rose hushed her daughter. "Shh, it's alright baby."

"No, it's not alright," Marley said softly. "My mind is all over the place, and I keep saying and doing the wrong things." She looked at her mother, her kind mother, wearing old and worn-out clothes staring across the expensive dinner she had just prepared. The expensive dinner Marley was desperately strategizing how to puke up and flush down the toilet. "You deserve better than me Mom," she said, her voice cracking. "I'm so sorry."

Marley's mother put down her utensils and stood up and pulled her daughter into a hug. "Oh Marley, none of that," she cooed. "You are a beautiful miracle, and we are going to get you healthy so you can see it too."

Hearing her mother's words made Marley's heart hurt. She loved her mother more than anything. But she knew she couldn't get healthy, not in the way her mother wanted.

* * *

Marley climbed into the passenger seat of Kitty's Camry. "Mama Rose let her baby out on a school night?"

"I'm copying your notes from English." Marley smirked. "Ya know, because I missed class today."

Kitty put her car in gear and started driving. "Well, you are lucky to have such a studious friend." She winked at the brunette. "Don't want you falling behind." Marley could feel Kitty's eyes watching her carefully. "So, how's 'Operation Feed Marley' going? Is everybody on your back?"

Marley let out an exasperated sigh. "Like you wouldn't believe. I have to eat lunches with Ms. Pillsbury, my mom's going all Mrs. Cleaver on me with family dinners. And I have seventeen missed calls from Santana." She shook her head. "I just have to get through these next couple days. They're going to get bored babysitting me soon, right?"

"Yea, probs." Kitty smiled tightly as she pulled into her driveway. "Come on."

Marley followed the blonde into her house. It wasn't the first time Marley had visited Kitty's house, but the sheer size of the place still surprised her. It had to be at least three times as large as Marley's place. Everything was so pristine and perfectly decorated. It almost looked like a doll house. An enormous doll house.

"Hey, are your parents home?" Marley asked suddenly.

Kitty tossed her jacket on a stool in the kitchen. "No, they're never home. Why?"

Marley's stomach churned as her it squeezed calories out of her dinner. It had only been half an hour since she had finished dinner with her mom. She could probably still get rid of at least some of it. "I have to use the bathroom, I'll be right back." Marley wandered upstairs into the bathroom off of Kitty's room. She pondered briefly whether or not Kitty knew what she was doing. But such was the beauty of their friendship. Marley didn't have to worry.

Locking the door behind her, Marley flipped up the toilet seat and tied her hair back into a ponytail. It was such a routine, it didn't even feel gross anymore. She barely had to tickle the back of her throat before she started heaving, mouthful after mouthful of the dinner her mother made sinking to the bottom of the toilet bowl.

After she was done, she stood in front of the sink and studied Kitty's bathroom. Lotions and makeup and perfume bottles spilled across the vanity. A pink curling iron was pushed on top of a pile of cosmetics, the cord dangling precariously off the sink ledge. Impulsively, Marley picked up the curling iron and meticulously wrapped the cord around the barrel.

"Have you finished puking?"

A pang of panic pulsed through Marley, until she remembered that she didn't need to worry. She opened the bathroom door to face Kitty's annoyed expression. "Yep," she answered casually.

"This isn't funny, Marley. Can't you stop it for just a couple of days." She crossed her arms across her chest. "I am not okay with this."

"You were okay with it at your sleepover," Marley spat back. "This very bathroom, you told me to purge everything I ate."

Kitty rolled her eyes. "Fine, whatever."

It startled Marley how quickly the power had shifted. She didn't really understand it, but suddenly it felt like Kitty was afraid of her. Rich, popular Kitty was afraid of poor, loser Marley. It didn't make sense, but she was going to run with it. "You get me the pills?" Her voice had an edge of confidence she'd never felt before.

Kitty blinked hard. It was almost as if she was blinking back tears. She spun around quickly and started digging through her cheerio's duffel bag. "Yea," she breathed softly. "Here." By the time Kitty turned back around to face Marley, her face was composed. She tossed the brunette a small pouch. It rattled in Marley's hands.

The two girls exchanged a long look. "Thanks Kitty. Really."

Kitty nodded hard, but her hands shook slightly. "Sure."

* * *

Marley held her lunch tray as she waited in line silently. She was instructed to get her lunch and report directly back to Ms. Pillsbury's office.

"Hey Marley." Jake got in line behind her. "How are you? You never texted me back."

The brunette bit her lip. She had completely forgot. "I'm so sorry, with everything going on, it slipped my mind." Marley looked down at her feet.

"No worries, it's cool." He smiled at her. "I was just worried you on a hot date with some blonde guy with old-school Justin Bieber hair."

Marley genuinely laughed for the first time in days. "No, just hanging out with my mom." She paused, confidence stirring in her chest. "And you shouldn't worry, you're way hotter than the Biebs."

They'd reached the front of the lunch line. Millie Rose smiled at the pair of them. "Hi baby. Hi Jake."

"Hi Ms. Rose, how are you today?" Jake asked politely. "Ooh, spaghetti and meatballs day, my favorite."

Marley loved the way Jake treated her mother. When people were kind to her mother like that, it almost made her believe that someday she could stop her dieting. Almost.

She was busy studying Jake's face and the soft expression he was directing at her mother, when she heard the sound of food being dropped onto her tray. Marley looked down at her tray, horrified. There had to be twice as much on her plate as every other kid. "Mom, what are you doing," Marley whispered harshly.

Her mother didn't react, and started scooping food onto the students' plates behind her. "One of the perks of my job, Marley," she said calmly. "You're too small, you have to make up for all the meals you've been missing."

Marley glared at her, and then strode off silently. She didn't want to make a scene with her mother in the lunch line.

"Hey, where are you going." Jake raced after her and stood in her path, blocking the cafeteria door. "Eat with me?"

She shook her head. "I wish I could." Her face reddened. The lunchtime arrangement with Ms. Pillsbury was beyond embarrassing, but since she was going to have to do it every day, there was no way she could lie without drawing more attention to herself. "They're making me eat with Ms. Pillsbury."

"The guidance counselor?"

"More like babysitter," Marley corrected.

She could feel several pairs of eyes on her in the cafeteria. Her mother, from behind the food trays. Kitty, from a table of cheerleaders. Ryder and Sam, from the door at the opposite end of the cafeteria. She shivered nervously.

"Hey, hey. Look at me." Jake pulled her attention back towards him. "Don't worry about it, maybe it's a good idea." He shrugged awkwardly. "Look, you going to glee today?"

Marley hadn't decided yet. She wasn't sure she was able to face the glee club. But the alternative meant going right home after school, and she didn't want to do that either.

Jake nodded at her silence. "You should go. We'll go together. And maybe we can hang out afterwards?"

She pursed her lips together, considering his offer. A week ago, she would have leapt at the invitation. But things had gotten so complicated.

Marley looked into his kind eyes. Even now, she couldn't say no to him. "Yeah. Okay."

* * *

"Hi Marley," Ms. Pillsbury said brightly. "Come on in." She gestured towards an open chair.

Marley sat down cautiously. The guidance counselor had rearranged the chairs in the room so that they were both sitting on equal sides of a table. Marley preferred when she was behind her big desk. There was more distance.

Ms. Pillsbury pulled a lunch bag out of her tote. "How are you?"

The brunette dropped her tray onto the table harshly. "Fantastic," she muttered. It came out of her lips with more anger than she had intended. "I'm sorry," she said quickly.

She felt Ms. Pillsbury's hand rest on her arm gently. "It's okay. I know this is hard."

Marley felt her body tensing. The guidance counselor was being so kind to her, but she couldn't help but be angry. She hated when people pretended to know what she felt like. Perfect, skinny Ms. Pillsbury with her perfect, sweet fiance couldn't understand what she was going through.

Ms. Pillsbury pulled back her hand. "I've upset you." She paused, studying Marley's face. "Can you tell me what you're thinking?"

Marley shrugged. "It doesn't matter what I'm thinking." She glanced around at the health posters around the room, depicting the various cliche teen issues. "I'm one of the crazies," she said, gesturing at the posters around her. "Tell me what I should be thinking. That's what you want, right?"

"I don't think you're crazy," Ms. Pillsbury stated seriously. Her giant eyes pored into Marley's. It made the brunette feel self-conscious to have the guidance counselor looking at her so hard.

"Great, so I'm free to go then?" Marley held a stern face as long as she could before giggling. "I'm kidding, I'm sorry."

"You're funny, I like that." Ms. Pillsbury smiled at the break in tension. "You know Will... I mean, Mr. Schuester," she corrected, "he told me about you. Right after you auditioned for glee. He was so excited, he raved about you for hours." As she listened, Marley pretended not to care, but she couldn't keep the blush from rising to her cheeks. "He saw something special in you."

"Well, I really fucked that one up, didn't I." Marley meant it to come off as a joke, but as the words tumbled out of her mouth, her tone grew somber and her eyes heavy. Regrets pulsed through her mind. She had everything going for her. Finally, she had found a way to fit in. She had a group of friends who loved music just as much as she did, and a teacher who believed in her. But she had ruined all of that.

They sat in silence for a few minutes. Ms. Pillsbury pulled a tupperware filled with grapes out of her lunchbag. "Marley, I don't want to pretend to know what you're going through." Ms. Pillsbury spoke softly and cautiously. "But I do know what it's like not to trust your own mind."

Marley's eyes snapped up. "I don't know what you mean," she lied. How could she understand the distrust, the discord, the regret.

Ms. Pillsbury shifted herself uncomfortably in her chair. It shocked Marley how nervous the normally-composed woman looked.

"I have obsessive compulsive disorder, OCD," she stated simply. "I'm a lot better now, but if you talked to me a couple years ago it would have been a different story."

"OCD," Marley breathed. "Like, you're really clean and stuff?"

Ms. Pillsbury sighed. "Yea, and stuff." She tentatively picked a grape out of her baggie. "You know, I used to eat my lunch wearing plastic gloves, and I would wipe each grape down before putting it in my mouth. And I could only eat grapes in multiples of three. If there were any extra, I would scrub them off and throw them out."

Marley listened closely, intrigued. "That's really weird," she said before she could stop herself. "Oh my god, I'm sorry." She couldn't believe she said that out loud.

Thankfully, Ms. Pillsbury laughed. "No, you're right. It is weird." She folded her hands together and looked hard at Marley. "When I was doing it, I knew it was weird and I wanted to stop. But I couldn't. Part of my mind kept telling me I had to do it, and as much as I hated it, I couldn't turn that voice off."

Adrenaline pulsed through Marley's body. She watched Ms. Pillsbury as she tossed a grape into her mouth with her bare hands. "H-how," she stuttered. "But how did you turn the voice off?"

Ms. Pillsbury smiled at her warmly. Marley knew she was giving too much away, but she didn't care. She had to know. "A lot of therapy. Some medicine." Ms. Pillsbury leaned forward so their faces were close. "But mostly Marley, mostly I had to challenge that voice. It's a lot of work. But that voice that's telling you to throw up, to take pills, to not eat... That voice isn't you, it's disease. You have to fight it."

Marley blinked away tears. She threw her head in her hands. "What if I can't?" She hated being this vulnerable in front of her counselor.

"I won't lie to you," Ms. Pillsbury said softly. "It's going to be hard. But you can do it. I know you can."

Marley wanted to believe her. But as the meatballs on her tray stared back at her, she hard a hard time believing.

* * *

Screw outlines! I'm so far behind in my outline, it's ridiculous :P I'm done trying to guess how many chapters this is going to be.

thanks for reading and reviewing :) As always, I love feedback - constructive or otherwise


	6. Chapter 6

Sorry for the delay! Now that the holidays are over, it's back to real life, which means less time to write. But I will try to be quicker in the future!

Thanks for the new reviews and follows. They make me smile :)

* * *

Chapter 6

"What's the point in even meeting anymore." Tina spoke angrily at Finn. "The season is over, and it's my senior year. I don't want to waste my time practicing for no reason."

Finn stood in front of the glee club, frustration written all over his face. "It's not for no reason Tina. We still have our holiday and spring concerts, and school pep rallies to perform at."

Artie scoffed. "I'm sorry, but coming off of a loss at Sectionals, I'm not performing in front of this school. It's like we're begging to be slushied."

Finn shook his arms in annoyance. "I don't know what you guys want me to say. Yes, we lost. But glee club is about so much more than winning or losing."

"Maybe if everyone wasn't so quick to name a tenth grader the new Rachel, we wouldn't be in this position," Tina sneered. "Marley is no Rachel. Rachel would never screw up like this."

Marley fidgeted in her seat. It was an awful idea to come to glee practice today. Of course they were angry. She anxiously twitched her ankle, the heel of her shoe tapping rhythmically against the metal chair leg.

Kitty sat in front of her, whispering and giggling with Brittany and Sugar. Marley couldn't help but lean forward slightly and try to catch a few of the words she was saying. She didn't know how she would really define her friendship with Kitty - could she even call it a friendship? - but it hurt her to think that she was talking about her behind her back. Sure, Kitty said nasty things to the brunette all the time. But lately she seemed kinder. Like her insults were only an act.

"... as if, Hello Kitty thinks she should be the new Rachel," Kitty's voice lilted in that teasing way Marley knew all too well. "I heard she used to pretend to have a stutter. That girl has some major psychological issues. Seriously, who does that?"

Marley had no idea if Kitty's rumors about Tina were true, but Brittany's fervent nodding seemed to validate the story.

"I almost feel bad for her, a senior jealous of a sophomore, it's pathetic," Kitty continued. "Marley was literally unconscious for her duet, and she was still more entertaining than Tina's lead in Gagnam Style."

Both girls burst into a fit of giggles. "So true," Sugar agreed enthusiastically, clearly eager to maintain this newfound attention from Kitty.

Marley winced instinctively after hearing her name and girlish giggles that followed. But as she processed what was said, a strange thought came to her. Was Kitty defending her? To be fair, she wasn't defending anyone, it was more a matter of tearing down Tina. But still.

Marley felt a hand rest on the small of her back. She shifted her attention back to Jake, who was sitting beside her. "You ok?" he mouthed.

She leaned in towards him, so her shoulder just barely grazed his chest. Even though she had to hide her dieting from him, she still felt a closeness. "Yea, it's fine," she whispered.

Tina, Artie, and Finn continued to bicker, but Marley let her thoughts slip into her own mind as she tuned the others out. Today was actually going to turn out okay. Lunch with Ms. Pillsbury was trying. But even after spending both lunch and study hour with the counselor, she was still able to get at least some of the cafeteria food up. After she left Ms. Pillsbury's office, she skipped US history and threw up what she could in the locker room bathroom. Plus, the new diet pills Kitty had given her were making her pulse beat twice as fast usual. Before Sectionals when Kitty had first given her diet pills, she told Marley that a crazy-fast heart rate meant the pills were working.

Dinner was going to be even easier to deal with. After glee, Marley was going to hang out with Jake for a few hours. It was perfect - she planned to tell Jake she was eating with her mom, and tell her mom that she ate with Jake. It was all going to be okay. Everyone could try to babysit Marley as much as they wanted, but she was still in control.

* * *

Marley followed Jake up the walkway towards his house. She had never been to his home before, but even from the outside she knew she would like it. It wasn't large and overwhelming like Kitty's house, nor was it ratty and beat-up like her own home. It was a modest house, but the yard was well taken care of and the outside was painted in a warm tan shade. She paused, taking it all in.

"Come on, it's freezing," Jake huffed, his breath condensing into a cloud in front of him. He looped his arm around her elbow and guided her up the front steps. As they walked through the front door, the warmth immediately enveloped her frame. "Can I take your jacket?"

Marley handed him her jacket, which he dutifully hung in the closet, and then following his lead, kicked off her shoes and slung her backpack onto the floor.

"You wanna meet my mom?" Marley couldn't help but smile. Of course she did. She followed him into the kitchen. His mom sat on a kitchen stool reading a magazine. "Hey Mom, this is Marley."

Jake's mom put the magazine on the table and walked towards the two of them. "Hi, nice to meet you." She touched Marley's shoulder gently and smiled warmly at her. "Jake's told me all about you."

"Mom, stop." Jake rolled his eyes, but Marley could tell he wasn't really annoyed. Jake and his mom seemed to have an easy charisma between them. She found them charming.

Jake's mother spun around and walked towards the refrigerator. "Are you kids hungry? Can I fix you a snack?"

Marley took in a sharp breath. "No thanks," she answered too quickly.

"You sure?" Jake half-smiled, uneasiness spelled across his face. He exchanged an awkward glance with his mother, who nodded at him encouragingly. "I'm starving, I don't know, maybe we could share something?"

"No thanks," Marley repeated. Her cheeks felt hot as embarrassment washed over her. It was obvious from their interaction that Jake's mother knew about her eating problem. And why wouldn't she? Obviously she was in the audience during Marley's dramatic Gagnam Style performance. And clearly Jake and his mother were close. But still, it shook her to know that Jake's mother was already judging her.

Marley stared at her feet, unsure of what to do. "I ...", she started awkwardly. "I have to make a phone call," she said lamely. "My mom, I have to call my mom. Sorry, I'll be right back." Without looking at either Jake or his mother, Marley stormed out of the kitchen and sat on the stairway. She hated herself for the impression she must be making on Jake's mother, but she didn't know how else to behave. Marley slipped her phone out of her pocket and scrolled through her contacts. Was there anyone she could call? Not her mom, that was for sure.

Marley snapped her eyes up from her phone when she heard footsteps walking towards her. It was Jake.

"Hey, I'm sorry. Can we talk?" He held out a hand, which she reluctantly took, and he pulled her up off the stairs.

She crossed her arms across her chest. She knew she wasn't justified in feeling upset, but she couldn't help it. "You told your mom."

He grabbed her shoulder lightly and led her up into his room, closing the door behind him. "I'm sorry okay, I just..." Jake ran his hand through his hair. "I was talking to Ryder, and he told me a bunch of stuff... I don't know, it's just, I don't know anything about... eating disorders." Jake mumbled over his words. He paused, shrugging his shoulders. "I just want to do right by you."

Marley saw the pain that was written all over his face, and she knew that she was the cause of it. In that moment, she couldn't help but feel jealous of Kitty. How did Kitty manage to keep everything a secret? No one ever followed her around and made sure she ate. How would Kitty react in this situation? She strained her mind, trying to think quickly. On impulse, Marley leaned up and pushed her lips against Jake's.

Jake pulled away almost immediately. "Marley, what are you doing? We need to talk." Marley was embarrassed at first, but she saw the way his eyes were concentrated on her lips and the fast rise and fall of his chest. She believed him, Jake _wanted to want_ to talk. But she knew she had him.

"Shh," she hushed him, pushing him back against his bedroom door. She pushed her body hard against his, and kissed him again. His lips were tense for a moment, but he quickly gave in. Marley had no idea what she was doing, this was about as far as she had ever gotten with a boy before. But she had to stay focused. She sucked on his lip gently as she placed both hands on his cheeks.

For a few moments, Jake kissed her back, his lips softening against her own. But he recovered more quickly than Marley had hoped. Suddenly, Jake put his hands on her shoulders and pushed her back so that their bodies were no longer touching. His face was flush. "We need to talk," he repeated. "I'm serious."

Marley chewed on her lip. She was sick of talking to people who didn't understand. She just wanted to hang out with her boyfriend like a normal teenager. What would Kitty do? Her thoughts raced. She had to up her game.

She eyed the light switch to the right of Jake's shoulder, and before she had time to evaluate her plan, she flicked the switch off and pulled her sweater over her shoulders, tossing it onto the floor. She again leaned her body into Jake's and tugged upwards on his polo shirt, trying to pull it off.

"Marley, stop it." Jake pushed her away for a third time while straightening his shirt. "I don't want it to be like this." He reached over and turned the light back on. "I like you a lot, but we have to talk about this first." Jake shifted his eyes downwards towards her torso. "Oh my god. Marley," he breathed.

Marley crossed her arms across her chest, mortified. How exactly did she get herself in this situation? She was standing here, in Jake's bedroom, wearing worn navy blue skinny jeans and an old, cotton bra. She looked hideous, fat, and poor. And not only had Jake rejected her, he wouldn't stop staring at her. Marley's face grew hot. He was probably staring at the muffin top that was undoubtedly spilling over the top of her jeans. "I get it, I'm fat."

Jake's eyes widened as he studied Marley's face. "You're joking." He tentatively reached towards Marley's stomach and traced her ribs with his fingers. She winced at his touch. "Do you not see your bones sticking out? You look awful."

Marley laughed pathetically, burning tears starting to stream down her face. "Thanks. You look good too," she spat.

"That's not what I meant," he said shaking his head. "You look sick... really sick."

She couldn't think of anything to say. There she was, standing in her boyfriend's bedroom half-naked after being told she looked awful. What the hell was there to say? Marley bent down to pick up her sweater and get dressed, before shoving Jake out of the way and fleeing his bedroom. Hurrying down the stairs and towards the front door, she grabbed her jacket and backpack, and slid on her shoes.

Jake's mother saw her as she was putting on her jacket. She looked at her curiously, worry etched across her forehead. "Honey, are you okay?"

"Yea," Marley pushed out, on autopilot. She was sick of people asking her that when it was clear she was anything but ok. "I just have to go." With that, she stormed out of Jake's house into the cold.

* * *

"You going to tell me what's going on Boo Boo?" Marley sat cross-legged on Kitty's couch, a heavy blanket draped over her shoulders and hot tea in her hands. "You can't just call me up crying and ask me to pick you up in the middle-of-nowhere in below freezing weather and expect me not to be curious."

Marley didn't know what to say. She was grateful to Kitty, of course. If it weren't for Kitty, she would have had to call her mother or maybe even Ryder or Unique, and they wouldn't understand. But did she want to explain herself to Kitty? She was so embarrassed, and besides, Kitty used to have a thing for Jake too. It just didn't feel right.

"I know you were at Jake's, and I don't care," Kitty stated simply, as if she had read Marley's mind. "Just tell me what he did. Is he pressuring you for sex? I can order a slushie attack on him Monday, no problem."

Marley sighed. "He wasn't pressuring me for sex, more the opposite," she mumbled, her face reddening.

"Marley Rose!" Kitty exclaimed, a smile spreading across her face. "Are you trying to swipe your v-card?" She grabbed Marley's free hand in her own and squeezed it. "Jake's an idiot, I don't know what his deal is. But I can set you up with tons of guys, you're totally bangable."

Marley chewed on her lip and tried to show annoyance with the blonde, but she couldn't help a few small giggles from tumbling out of her lips. "That's not what it's like," she said softly. "It's just, he always wants to try to feed me or talk about food, and never do normal boyfriend-girlfriend things. I thought if I could make it more... physical," Marley said quietly, embarrassed, "maybe it would distract him from all of that."

Kitty squeaked in delight, her eyes shining. "You little sex kitten!" But after a moment, her eyes scrunched together in confusion. "Wait, but it didn't work? How could that not work? Tell me what happened."

Marley sighed, and then started to explain the entire story to Kitty, down to each embarrassing detail. A few days ago, she never would have guessed that she would confide things like this to Kitty of all people, but she was the only one who seemed to understand nowadays. "He's the first boy who's seen me with my shirt off, and he told me I looked awful," Marley finished, her eyes staring down into her lap. "It was mortifying."

"He told you that you looked awful? Are you sure you heard him correctly?" Kitty asked skeptically.

"I tried to kiss him," Marley admitted sheepishly, "but he just keep pushing me away and touching my rib bones. He said my bones were sticking out and that I looked awful." As she finished her story, her phone buzzed in her pocket. She pulled it out and looked at the screen. Another missed call from Jake. He'd called her seventeen times since she'd left his house half an hour ago.

"That him?" Kitty asked. "I can yell at him if you want."

Marley shook her head. "No, it's fine. I'll just not answer for awhile." She hit the reject call button on her phone to stop the buzzing. "Besides, I guess on some level it's sweet that he cares. Especially considering how repulsive he finds my body."

"Hey, none of that." Kitty snapped her fingers in Marley's face. "Snap out of it. You are Woman Fierce, remember?" She bounced up quickly. "Look, it's Friday night. After you stopped crying, I was going to kick you out and have some of the Cheerios over. But change of plans, because I'm making it my personal mission to get you to have fun tonight."

Butterflies filled Marley's stomach almost instantaneously. She was starting to trust Kitty, weirdly enough, but she didn't really know what a fun night with the blonde meant. "Thanks, but I think I'm just going to go home."

She felt Kitty's surprisingly strong hand circle around her wrist and pull her forward. "No. Marley, listen to me. You're going to text Mama Rose that you're staying late at Jake's, we're going to raid my parent's liquor cabinet to get you loosened up, and then we're going to have some Kitty-Marley quality time."

* * *

Marley was flopped across Kitty's bed, the blonde lying next to her. Kitty's laptop was in front of both girls, and Kitty was purposefully scrolling through her facebook friends.

"Okay," Kitty announced, setting on the page of some guy with light hair and freckles. "Josh, he's the one. What do you think?"

"What?" Marley took little sips from the drink Kitty had made for her. It burned in the back of her throat. She had never had any kind of liquor before, except for a few sips of wine in church, so she had no idea if that was how it was supposed to taste. "What are you talking about?"

Kitty rolled her eyes impatiently. "Josh would totally bone you, you wouldn't even have to try. And his sister Kayla is in Cheerios, so I can set up you two crazy kids." Kitty's eyes danced, but Marley just stared at her.

"Ew, are you crazy? I don't even know him."

"Well, duh." Kitty spoke slowly, as if she were speaking to a small child. "It's cleaner that way. Marley, it's girlfriend jealousy 101, how can you not know this?"

Marley didn't know how to respond, so she just shook her head and drank more from her cup.

"Ok, do I have to spell it out for you? Jake was out of line, so you break up with him. You fuck Josh, who, frankly, is better looking then half-black-half-Jew Jake. Jake gets jealous, comes crawling back to you, and you win." Kitty nodded triumphantly. "You'll get all the control."

Marley shook her head. "I don't want to control him, Kitty. You don't understand."

"Whatever," Kitty said, closing her laptop and putting it on her nightstand. "Ignore my wisdom, your loss." She picked up her solo cup from her nightstand and downed the rest of the liquid in one big gulp. "I'm making myself another rum and diet coke, are you ready for a refill?"

The cup in Marley's hands was still about half full. She swirled her cup gently, watching the bubbles appear on the surface. "Does this stuff have a lot of calories?" she asked impulsively. Lately, it was hard to force herself to swallow anything, even liquids. Sure, beverages weren't as bulky as foods, but there were plenty of hidden calories secretly sloshing through fluids. In that way, liquids were even more dangerous than solid foods.

Kitty grunted, and rolled her eyes. "You are unbelievable." She squirmed over so her body was closer to Marley's, and peered into her cup. "Just chug it, you'll feel calmer, I swear" she said, her voice strangely gentle. "Alcohol calories are worth it. You can trust me, we're the same kind of crazy, remember?" The blonde nudged her shoulder playfully, but Marley could see the seriousness in her eyes.

"Yeah, ok," Marley resolved. She stared down the cup in her hands defiantly, determined to defeat it, and then quickly poured it's contents down the back of her throat. The aftertaste burned the back of her throat, a feeling not all that different from the end of a long purging session. She grinned at Kitty, her head suddenly feeling wonderfully light. "I'm ready for that refill."

* * *

Let me know what you think! And thanks so much to those of you who reviewed my previous chapters :)


End file.
